Just Start

This post is about a common failure mode I see in myself. And when I say common, I mean like maybe one of the core triggers of my anxiety and biggest blocks to my productivity/goal-achievement. Common.

I don’t know at the moment a good way of describing it, nor do I have a good name or label for what is going on. Maybe by the end of the post I will. For now, I’m just going to try and explain what happens and see where to go from there. I’ll be learning along with you!

Here’s one example.

Decides I want to read some rationality stuff on LessWrong. Opens up LessWrong. Skims through the names of the first few posts that come up, maybe scrolling over them to skim the first few lines of each post. Scrolls down the page to skim over the names of all the other posts I can see, maybe scrolling over some that catch my eye to skim the first few lines. Feels anxiety about the sheer amount of stuff there is to read. Scrambles for a way to make sense of all the different posts I could read and how to choose where to start. Finds the recommended starting point: 3 series of blog posts by key authors on the site. Opens the first. Scrolls down to see how many parts in the series. Skims through the preface before opening up the first part. Scrolls to see how many blog posts in this first part. Skims through the names, maybe clicking on one or two to see how long they are. Maybe click on any links to other posts or websites linked anywhere in the above process. Feels intensely anxious and totally overwhelmed by the sheer amount there is to read, the amount I don’t understand, the distance I am away from being someone who actually understands things. Thinks I will be able to conquer this mountain of reading at some point, but decides I’m just not ready to start that journey yet. It’s too much. I don’t have the time, energy or ability to stick to the task along with ALL THE OTHER THINGS I NEED TO DO. Gives up on reading anything. Feels pretty terrible all round. Goes to lie down for an hour.

That one seems pretty typical, but here’s another just because.

Has essay deadline a week away. Opens up document containing essay title and reading list. Reads essay title a bunch of times. Thinks “I don’t know how to do this”. Looks over reading list. Counts how many articles on reading list. Looks at length of each article on reading list. If page numbers aren’t included, tries to track down articles to see how long they are. If there’s optional reading, scrolls through to see how many articles, what are their names, how long. Feels anxiety. Thinks “thank god I don’t need to worry about these optional items”. Decides not to look at the optional items any more. Works out how many articles I need to read per day to be able to write the essay in time. If they vary a lot in length, works out how many pages I need to read each day to get it done in time. Decides to do that amount each day, ideally in the morning (ideally around the same time). Still feels anxiety, though somewhat attenuated. Starts reading first article. Continues to read, checking every few pages for how many pages I’ve read, how long it’s taken me, how long that means it will take me to read the whole article, whether that means I’ll be able to finish this one in time, whether that means I’ll be able to finish the reading list in time. Feels anxiety. Thinks about how I’m not really taking in the reading because I’m thinking about these things. Feels annoyed. Continues to read, either until article is finished, initially allotted time runs out or anxiety feels too intense to continues. Goes to do next thing, or lies down.

There are a few different things going on in these types of situation, particularly in the second example. But there’s one main thread common to both, and common in many other examples of my behaviour.

It’s this tendency to spend time looking through all the things I have to do, instead of spending time actually doing the things. It’s that thing that I want to talk about and get to the bottom of (or begin to do so) in this post.

So, why do I do it? It seems really unclear to me, as it seems obvious that I have pretty clear reasons not to do it.

For one, it generates (a lot of) anxiety. It would for anyone. Looking through a pile of tasks that you (feel like you) need to do is disheartening at the best of times, destructive at the worst.

For another thing, and rather obviously, it fails to get things done. All the time I spend looking through the things I want/need to be doing I could be spending actually doing the things.

Another example may help here.

I have this tendency to always go into bookshops when I pass them. I may not stay in for long, but I will often spend 15–20 minutes walking around, looking at all the books I’d like to read, all the books I think would be good for me to read, all the books I’ve never heard of but seem interesting, all the books I could read. I often do the same thing on Amazon.

Why do I do this? The most obvious answer seems to be because I like reading. In other words, I have a goal to read a lot of books. There’s lots of information out there, lots of ideas, lots of great art and stories and characters, and I want to absorb as much of it as I can. So I suppose I think that looking at more and more books is going to help me to read… well, more and more books.

As I reason this out, a radical alternative solution proposes itself to me… if I have a goal of reading more books, I could spend my time… reading more books. i.e. instead of spending an hour looking through books I could read, I could spend an hour actually just reading an actual book. (!)

I think that this radical new approach would likely be more effective in achieving the goal of reading more books. I already have a lot of books that I want to read, and I’m aware of many more that I’d like to read but don’t yet own. Probably way more than I ever will read. I could just make a start on those really.

Also, I’m not sure that the time I spend looking through books in bookshops really increases the time I spend reading after this. I mean, sure, I get a burst of “ooh, aren’t there so many great books, I really should read more” for about five minutes. But by the time I get home my mind is on something completely different and 9 times out of 10 I read no more than I would have done anyway.

I expect that the same goes for my other two examples above.

In the first case, I already knew that a good place to start with LessWrong was on those series of blog posts (or ‘The Sequences’, as they’re sometimes called). And I knew that those post series are actually really long and would keep me occupied for some time before I’d have to look for more material. So there was really no need to look through all the posts and generate that anxiety. I could have just actually started reading. And again, I don’t think that looking through all the posts inspired me to read more than I otherwise would have. It probably scared me into reading less.

In the second case, I had to read the set reading whatever, almost regardless of how long it was. And really the point of the reading was to think about the actual ideas the authors are talking about, rather than to just ‘get it done’ or to avoid the wrath of the tutor or something. I mean, in this case, given that there was a time limit to the essay, it seems that there was some reason to work out a plan of how much I’d need to read each day in order to get it done, but not to the point where I was more focused on how quickly I was reading than the actual reading itself. Again, having made a brief (say, 5 minute) plan of how much I’d read that week, I could have just actually started reading.

The counter-point in the last paragraph does bring out an important point, however. I’m not saying that planning is a bad thing, or that thinking about how long you will do things for and how frequently (in order to achieve goals) should be avoided. Quite the opposite. Planning is great (and often essential).

What I’m saying is that, after a minimally decent plan is made, there is rarely a more optimal course of activity than just actually doing something that gets you closer to the goal.

Once I’ve realised I want to read more, the best thing to do is probably to read more.

Once I’ve found a good place to start with LessWrong posts, the best thing to do is probably to start reading them.

Once I’ve looked at my reading list, seen how many items are on it and sketched out a plan for when I’ll read in the week (again, for only about 5 minutes total), the best thing to do is probably to ACTUALLY JUST START READING!!

You get the picture.

So, the question remains, what is it that draws me to this tendency to look at the entirety of a project, rather than diving in at the start?

What is it that makes me want to scroll through the list of things I want/need to do, instead of starting at the top of the list and working my way through?

Why is it that I sometimes spend more time looking at books than reading them?

The truth is I don’t know.

But I’m not sure that matters all that much.

(I suppose it’s probably got something to do with my OCD, which I may work out in time with CBT. Watch this space!)

The important thing is that I’ve realised that I do it and, crucially, that it is not the thing I should be doing (FYI I don’t mean should as in ‘moral duty’, but as in ‘the rational course of action to achieve my goal’).

A cool thing would be if you realise that you do this too, that it is a problem for you as well and that you want to join me in trying to adopt a more rational pattern of behaviour. Let me know!

For now, I’m going to endeavour to live up to the (tentative) conclusions that I’ve reached in this post:

When working towards any goal, once I’ve constructed a minimally decent plan for my purposes, I should set to work actually doing things that take me towards the goal. Not repeatedly looking over the plan or the list of things I need to do in order to achieve the goal. Just making a start, or making progress, even if it is small.

The next time I pass a bookshop, with any luck, I’ll remember this and walk straight past, using the spare 15 minutes I generated when I get home to pick up a book and start reading.

The next time I think about looking at LessWrong, I’ll dive straight into The Sequences, rather than looking through all the other posts on the site. (Handily, there’s a whole website just for that!)

The next time I’ve got a reading list for an essay, I’ll set a 5-minute timer and spend no longer than this making a plan of my time. After that, I’ll start reading the top — or what seems to be the most relevant/important — article.

We’ll see if I manage this.

Here’s to trying!