Perfectionism and The Case for Self-Worth
I’ve never really identified with perfectionism.
But it seems like I really do have it, maybe in quite a seriously bad way. I am pretty obsessed with doing things in a — in some senses — ‘perfect’ way; for example, I didn’t want to start my self-help book unless I could finish it before starting therapy, I always want to read every item on a reading list and I really wanted to get a first in my degree.
So, it seems like it has a lot to do with an obsession around finishing things and getting things done in a certain time. That makes sense — I’ve always thought I’m not a perfectionist because I’m not a perfectionist with regards to quality (e.g. of work), but it seems that I am a perfectionist with regards to quantity (and timing and sometimes quality too).
I’m also a perfectionist in the sense that I have very high standards for myself, mainly from EA I think. I want to do as much good as I can do… standards can’t get much higher than that.
Now, I do want to retain that goal (though remember that it’s as much good as I can do, both very important words) but it is still very important to have realistic (if high) goals within this. Maybe even more important than normal. Anything unrealistic is just going to harm me and hurt my ability to do good (and my happiness!).
So, it seems really important to fight perfectionism from an EA perspective (and a normal one too!). I gotta look at my standards and make sure they’re reasonable.
Remember, the good is the enemy of the better BUT the perfect is the enemy of the good enough.
Then there’s the self-worth thing.
I feel like maybe I don’t have that much intrinsic self-worth and get a lot of it from doing good. While doing good is important to me, it seems important that my self-worth doesn’t derive from the amount of good that I do, for two reasons.
One, it seems unlikely to actually result in me doing more good if I have this view, as I’ll be constantly taking damage when I’m failing to do (direct) good, which can’t really help.
Two, it just isn’t a view of worth that I subscribe to. I think that persons have intrinsic value regardless of the good they do. My capacity to feel as a sentient being gives me worth that should be respected, including by me. I am a being worthy and deserving of love and happiness, as we all are, even if I am no more worthy of this than anyone else.
To say that I am no more deserving of this than anyone else does not detract from the message; it should not detract from my sense of self-worth. Self-worth is distinct from our feelings to others and having more of it does not take away from or harm our ability to love or care for others. It probably improves it.
So, for these two reasons, it is simply rational for me to respect my own self-worth, regardless of how much good I do. I have worth whatever, so I have intrinsic reason to respect it, and I have instrumental reason because it helps me do other things without being hamstrung by my own lack of self-worth.
